Communicating with a partner about STIs

STIs are a risk we accept when we engage in sexual activity. They are manageable medical conditions, not consequences of bad choices. Stigma can make telling current and former partners you have tested positive for an STI feel awkward. However, these conversations are important as while STIs do not always cause symptoms, they can still lead to more serious health issues if left untreated.

LGBTQ+ experiences and relationships are diverse, and there is no one-size-fits-all way to talk about STIs, but getting comfortable with these conversations can help strengthen relationships, keep our communities safe, and break down harmful STI stigma.

Feel your feelings

Check in with yourself before talking to any partners about STIs. These conversations go better when you can manage your own emotions, and that’s easier if you reflect first. Try writing your feelings down, or talking to a trusted friend or healthcare provider before you reach out. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

Internalised stigma

Most of us receive negative messages about STIs, particularly LGBTQ+ people and women. Even if you don’t share those beliefs, it’s common to feel negatively about yourself after a positive test. This is called internalised stigma, and it can be distressing, especially when it conflicts with your personal values.

Recognising it can help you manage your own emotions and make sense of reactions from others. If you notice these thoughts, try challenging them by asking yourself:

• “Is this something I really believe, or something I was taught?”
• “Do I have these same feelings when I get a cold or flu?”
• “Would I say this to my best friend if they had an STI?”

Who to tell and how? 

Your healthcare provider will help you decide who to notify, but your relationship with the person will also shape how you communicate. It’s often appropriate to text a casual hook-up about a positive chlamydia test, but a long-term partner or messy ex may require a conversation that fits your specific dynamic.

Be aware that stigma affects some STIs more than others, including HIV, herpes or genital warts (HPV), and responses can vary. Don’t assume people will always react badly, but it’s a realistic factor to consider when planning communication.

Feeling anxious or awkward during these conversations is normal, but you should not feel unsafe. If you are worried that a current or former partner may react negatively, you may choose to talk to them over the phone or text rather than in person. There are also options to notify them anonymously via an online notification service or your healthcare provider.

When and where 

Whether you’re talking in person, on the phone, or texting, timing and setting matter. Don’t put the conversation off and make sure both of you have enough time and privacy to talk without interruption.

Be mindful of the other person’s schedule. If you’re calling, check first that they’re somewhere they can speak freely.

If you’re meeting in person, choose somewhere private where either of you can step away if needed. Avoid bringing it up while intoxicated, before or after sex, when the other person is already distressed, or during an argument.

If you’re planning to have the conversation on a Friday or over a weekend, check whether local testing clinics are open. Waiting until Monday can be distressing for some people.

Remember that imperfect communication is better than none. 

Be prepared 

Doing a little research before talking to your partner about STIs can help you feel more confident and ready to respond to questions they may have. It’s okay if you do not have all of the answers. You’ll want to be able to cover: You’ll want to be able to cover: 

• What is (STI NAME)?
• What are the symptoms?
• How is it transmitted?
• How is it treated? Can it be cured?
• Is there a test? Do they need to get tested?
• Are there any short-term adjustments? (e.g. avoiding sexual activity or using barriers during treatment)

It also helps to have resources about the specific STI’s ready to share so they can read more in their own time.

Having “the conversation”

The energy you bring to the conversation can really influence how the other person reacts. Aim for calm and respectful, even if you’re nervous. These conversations can build trust and are not inherently negative.
Use straightforward, neutral language and avoid implying blame. “I’ve just tested positive for chlamydia” hits differently than “You gave me chlamydia”.

Start with the basics rather than a lot of background, which can feel overwhelming.

• What STI have you tested positive for?
• Is it curable or manageable with treatment?
• What does it mean for them?

Give them space to respond 

People respond differently. Some will want to talk straight away, others will need time alone. Remember that you’ve had time to process this already; they’re hearing it for the first time.

Listen without interrupting, try to answer their questions, and wait until they’ve expressed their initial feelings before moving to the next steps. Jumping ahead can make people feel unheard.

If the question of how you acquired the STI comes up, be thoughtful about other people’s privacy, dignity and safety. Remember that many STIs are transmitted without symptoms, so it may not be possible to know.

Navigating negative reactions 

There is no combination of words that ensures an easy conversation about STIs. Even if you do everything “right”, partners can still react negatively. Factors such as limited sexual health education, STI stigma, negative healthcare experiences, or just not expecting the news can lead to an emotional response.

It’s understandable if your partner feels alarmed or upset, but disrespectful, aggressive, or threatening behaviour is never acceptable. There is a difference between someone “feeling their feelings” and someone making you feel shamed or unsafe.

You are not responsible for managing your partner’s reaction, but there are ways to navigate them more effectively:

• Try not to take the initial response personally, as they are often a reflection of the person’s distress, frustration or internalised stigma rather than you as a person.
• Avoid getting defensive, and take a break if things get heated.
• If other relationship issues come up, acknowledge them, commit to addressing them separately, and bring the conversation back on topic. This is important because combining subjects can create emotional associations that make it harder to address the STI as a health issue.

What’s next?

Depending on your situation, next steps might include your partner getting tested and treated, researching safer sex options such as barrier methods, PrEP/PEP or vaccination, or notifying any other partners.